When people think about domestic violence, they often imagine physical harm – the bruises, broken bones or visible injuries we see on T.V. shows or learn about through the media. However, some of the deepest wounds are invisible, where psychological and emotional abuse may leave no marks on the body, yet can be equally as damaging, leaving wounds that last for years. Throughout this article, individuals who have been abused will be referred to as survivors rather than victims, helping you take another step in rewriting your story of abuse into a story of reclaimed power and strength.

Defining Psychological Abuse

Psychological Abuse (PA) is a common form of domestic violence where a partner or family member repeatedly treats someone in a way which makes them feel insecure, shameful, unsafe, isolated, criticised or powerless. This affects an individual’s self-esteem and connection to both themself and their broader life, often feeling as if their abuser is playing “mind games” on them to make them question what is wrong, right, real or fake.

How Is Psychological Abuse Related to Domestic Violence?

While psychological abuse may not leave bruises, it is still a deliberate, harmful way to dominate, control and silence someone within an intimate or family relationship.
Psychological abuse is often the starting point of what may become a much longer, more complex abusive pattern, where the abuser uses their aggressive power or control to threaten or hurt people in the home, damaging their self-esteem, confidence and freedom. Through behaving in ways that are intentionally scary, manipulative, intimidating, damaging, hurtful or humiliating, survivors become vulnerable enough to manipulate into further abuse, such as through physical or sexual violence.

Psychological abuse may go hand-in-hand with other forms of abuse:

• Physical violence: “No one will believe you if you tell them that I hit you.”
• Financial violence: “You’re too stupid to manage your own money.”
• Sexual violence: “If you say no, I’ll leave you.”

How To Recognise Psychological Abuse

Coercion as The Centre-Point of Abuse

Coercion is a form of control that affects how one makes decisions, behaves or expresses themselves, replacing freedom of choice with fear, guilt or dependency. Making survivors feel powerless, unsafe or dependent on their abuser keeps them trapped.

1. Manipulation and Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where an abuser makes someone question their reality, sanity or memory by denying events, dismissing how one feels or changing facts to break one’s self-trust, confidence and sense of individuality. Manipulation can also be seen through emotional blackmail, where your abuser may convince you to behave in certain ways by making you feel guilty.

“If you loved me, you would trust me to tell you what to do.”
“You must be crazy to think that I ever did that.”

2. Social Isolation

Abusers may cut one off from friends, family or outside support so that they become more dependent. This can be done directly, such as forbidding contact, or subtly, creating conflict or distance with loved ones.

“Your family always makes you feel terrible about yourself, why would you want to spend the whole day with them? You don’t need them, you have me now.”

3. Jealousy, Possessiveness and Mistrust

The abuser may show extreme suspicion, jealousy or mistrust, often monitoring or accusing their partner of betrayal even when the survivor has promised and proven that they are trustworthy and loyal.

“Why were you smiling at your coworker? You should tell me if you are cheating.”
“You shared your location but then it suddenly stopped showing. What are you hiding?”

4. Silent Treatment

Abusers ‘punish’ survivors through ghosting, silent treatment and cold behaviour, such as ignoring someone, refusing attention or not offering physical affection. This causes anxiety and forces the survivor to ‘fix’ the situation, even when they’ve done nothing wrong.

5. Setting Unrealistic Rules and Boundaries

Abusers often set rigid or isolating rules that restrict normal independence, hiding their behaviour as having good “standards” or “care.” They may make one feel as if they have to ask permission to do things one would normally have the freedom to do, controlling finances, relationships or daily activities.

“You need to ask my permission before going out with your friends. If you don’t, don’t bother coming home.”
“I am setting a curfew for you because I care about your safety.”

6. Criticism

This includes constant belittling, mocking or attacking one’s appearance, intelligence, or choices to destroy self-esteem and confidence, making it difficult for survivors to leave the relationship or household.

“You are so stupid, no one else would ever want to be with you. You should be grateful I am still sticking around.”

7. Threatening

Abusers use fear to control behaviour, such as threatening harm, blackmail or intimidation. This can be directed at the survivor, their loved ones, household pets or cherished belongings.

“If you ever leave me, I’ll take the kids away and you’ll never see them again.”
“Try wear something like that again and I will burn all of your clothes.”

The Mental Health Impact of Psychological Abuse

Often, survivors describe psychological abuse as even more damaging than physical harm. As we have learnt, domestic abuse has the potential to destroy one’s identity, confidence and sense of reality, leaving invisible scars in the form of poor mental wellbeing:

• Anxiety: constant worry about triggering the abuser
• Depression: feelings of hopelessness, emptiness and numbness
• Low self-esteem: believing the abuser’s criticism
• Post-traumatic stress: flashbacks, nightmares or emotional numbness
• Self-doubt: questioning one’s own memory, judgment or worth
• Loneliness: feeling cut off from support networks
• Hypervigilance: always being on-edge or alert for danger
• Shame and guilt: blaming oneself for the abuse
• Loss of identity: feeling like one has lost their true self

FAQ

How is psychological abuse different from just having arguments in a relationship?

Healthy arguments are difficult, but still involve mutual respect and resolution. Psychological abuse is a repeated pattern of control, manipulation and coercion that makes one partner feel powerless, unsafe or constantly at fault.

Can psychological abuse be as damaging as physical violence?

Yes. While it leaves no visible bruises, psychological abuse can cause deep trauma, anxiety, depression, and lasting harm to self-esteem and identity. Many survivors describe it as more painful than physical violence.

Why do survivors often stay in psychologically abusive relationships?

Abusers use manipulation, threats and dependency to trap survivors. Fear of escalation, lack of support, financial barriers or believing the abuser’s words can make leaving incredibly difficult.